Somedays I feel as though my dreams are too big, my goals are ridiculous, and who am I to want all this? When will I have the time? Between being a wife, mother, esthetician and the day to day task for running a home, is it really possible to prioritize it all and still devote time to my purpose? OF COURSE!
2019 has been a year of tremendous transformation and growth for me. The hustle is showing off the muscle it takes to change. Without a challenge there is little development. My greatest challenge was the cycling I was doing, getting caught up in the easy fixes, sweeping it under the rug, the bandaging of the wounds, but not taking proper care so it would heal appropriately. When I did not push past the comfort zones to get down and dirty, to examine who I was and who I was becoming, I stayed in a painful cycle. One that would show up as months or years of everything is fine, but with the slightest upset all would start again. The feelings of loneliness, sadness, anger and frustration would rush in. Fear kept me from wanting to examine the truth and I didn’t believe that healing and restoration was possible for me. Well, God has always had his mighty hand of protection on me and I got fed up with the cycling. I felt there was more; I needed to take a step in the direction of healing.
I recognized in the midst of one of my counseling sessions my greatest issue was, I was not trusting God. Here I am a woman who professes to be a Christian, but I didn’t have an intimate relationship with God and therefore, I was unable to have intimate relationships with anyone else, including myself. Let the tears of self-doubt, self-pity, self-wallowing commence, and after it all, there was my problem...self-centeredness. I was living my life in accordance with my selfish motives and it was doing nothing but destroying me.
Once I admitted this to myself and asked God to rid me of these ways, a shift began to happen; It was between me and God. I was no longer waiting on someone to serve me, so I could serve them. I did what I have been called to do as a believer and follower of Jesus Christ. I wanted to be obedient and any time I would hear the voices of selfishness and shame creeping in, to take a place in my transforming heart, I would say to myself, one day you want to hear the words “well done my good and faithful servant”. It was no longer about what someone was or was not doing for me that became my reasoning. Wanting to hear those words from the Almighty, became all the reasoning I needed.
That was six months ago, and I have been renewed, rejuvenated and I rejoice in the gift of everyday that I get another opportunity to work toward my goals, which now are more about loving God and loving people than about selfish gain. Now, each day I move with intention. Starting with prayer, reading and study. This ensures that I start my day in the best way possible. It makes me a better wife, a better mother, a better person and I am able to present myself in devotion to the one who created the heavens, the earth and me. I strive to stand on truth. The black and white, simple instruction of God. Not adding to or subtracting from, not attempting to deny my actions or play the blame game but accepting responsibility. It all starts with the lady in the mirror. Extending grace to her as she is becoming and celebrating her identity as redeemed and sanctified.
I am now wildly optimistic and have confidence that I like to call Godfidence. It is only because of God that this level of confidence exists in me. He put that hunger to live beyond myself in my heart, he placed that fire in my soul to live the abundant life he offers. The process has been gruesome at times. I dreaded going to therapy sessions twice a week for months, delving into the trauma of my childhood and the abuse I’d been through. I didn't particularly enjoy working out 5x a week and eating and fasting to get my hormone levels balanced. I wasn’t so sure that a wake up and bedtime were really going to be the change I needed to help with the way I interacted with my children and my family, but putting in the work, flexing my will-power muscles have given me major physical, mental and spiritual strength.
This level of living is overdue for me and I am no longer delaying its arrival. I’m standing out of my own way, hands raised in praise for the one who is showing me that my dreams and my goals are not only attainable, but from HIM, God given! I challenge you to do the same. Go after all the real in your life. Whatever that is for you, take the time needed to examine, gain understanding and get ready to rise. You got this! There is a whole world on the other side of that fear.