“Eight days later the disciples were together again, and this time Thomas was with them. The doors were locked; but suddenly, as before, Jesus was standing among them. “Peace be with you,” he said. Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and look at my hands. Put your hand into the wound in my side. Don’t be faithless any longer. Believe!”” John 20:26-27 NLT
My wounds may not be physical, but they’re proof of what happened. They used to haunt me day and night; condemning me for what I had done. And now, they are a precious reminder of who God is (a redeemer, way-maker, loving Father) and what HE has done for me.
It all started in May of 2017 when I was faced with a dilemma that would alter the course of my life forever. I was completely unprepared to be a mother, but I also knew I didn’t want to raise a child in a broken environment. Crippled with fear and blinded by sin, I made a decision that went against every fiber of my being. I had an abortion.
The pain of the abortion itself was excruciating, but the pain afterward was even more unbearable. The word turmoil comes to mind when I think back to my situation. Living with my parents (who didn’t know about the pregnancy or abortion at that time) had become toxic, my so-called relationship with the father of the baby was no better, and I was a complete mess inside. There was a void that I couldn’t fill. My guilt turned into sorrow which paved the way for depression to seep in. “How can you call yourself a Christian after what you’ve done” I would ask myself repeatedly. While life continued around me, I stayed focused on keeping myself busy, and burying the pain. But you and I both know this is no way to live...
God however, had different plans for me. And there was no stopping them. After several months of burying my emotions I was exhausted. I wanted to dig up and unpack my heavy, emotional baggage, but I didn’t know where or how to start. I confided in a friend of mine, who told me about this bible study class called SaveOne, that helps post-abortive women heal from their abortions. I didn’t hesitate to join in September that year. Little did I know this decision was about to alter the course of my life in a better way...
Not only did SaveOne allow me to confront my abortion in a healthy way, it also brought me closer to God. The more time I spent in His Word (and going through the study), the more I felt and experienced his loving presence. In even the smallest ways, he showed me that he was there for me. In my darkest time, he remained faithful in providing what I needed.
One time in particular, I happened to be running late for work, which became a regular occurrence for me at the time. Thankfully, I remembered to grab my book for the SaveOne class that evening on my way out. But since I was in a hurry, and had no bookmark, I scooped up what I could to mark my spot- a ticket from a Panthers game I had attended a year prior! That did the trick. When I finally arrived at work and walked up to my desk, I discovered a sweet surprise. There was a bookmark sitting upright on my keyboard that had the serenity prayer printed on the front. My coworker to this day doesn’t know just how much her gesture (though it may seem small) meant to me. I wanted to cry; only because I knew where this gesture truly came from (who orchestrated it all). This is how God works. He provides without us even having to ask. A bookmark was honestly the furthest thing from my wish list at the time. But he saw my need. He sees our every need, big or small.
Now, I could go on and on about the goodness of God all day long, and give you examples of the experiences I had, but that would take more than 1100 words. So, I’ll put it like this.
Choosing to have an abortion was the worst decision I’ve ever made. I took my life into my own hands, choosing pleasure over Him. I was so deep in sin that I couldn’t see what I was doing to myself, and how it was affecting everyone around me. It seeped through every crevice of my life, but when I chose GOD, everything changed. And after the SaveOne class ended, I had to continue to heal, but this way I was able to do it with God. It definitely wasn’t easy at times, and I still had my moments where I would break down, but with GOD I was able to embrace my pain as part of my story. I was broken, and he put me back together. ONLY GOD can heal what is broken. I’m living proof. And now I’m indebted to tell others the truth about this experience. In a world where abortion has become a political soapbox, it’s important that we stand up and recognize that there’s another side of the issue no one is talking about.
I want you to know that you are not reading this by accident. I want you to know that your story is important. No matter what your wounds (sins) are, where they come from, or who caused them, God wants you to share your truth with the world. Our testimony is proof of our wounds and healing (truth) is the proof of the God we serve! “Don’t be faithless any longer. Believe!”
In honor of Savannah Grace. Mommy loves you.