I have battled with depression and anxiety throughout my life. As a child I faced traumatic situations, sexual, emotional, and physical abuse. The survivor skills I gain from my childhood didn’t protect me when I became a teenager. Those same skills led me into teen pregnancy while also being a domestic abuse victim. I wanted to be loved, appreciated, and protected since I wasn’t as a child. What I thought I knew about love led me into a situationship that emotionally damaged me and my children.
These tragic events led me to go into this dark place. It felt as if I was surrounded by pain 24/7. Everything I should have been focused on got overlooked due to me being emotionally unhealthy. When the movie “Get Out” was released I immediately got drawn to the idea of the sunken place. That was my reality on an everyday basis.
You try to sort it all out with the skills researched on google but that doesn't work. You try to forget about it, that doesn't work. Now these emotions are sitting before you and you mentally can't take it. "Breathe in Shakira" is what I tried to tell myself after screaming and crying because I just couldn't take it. Life hits you all at once and forces you to deal with the impossible. The only resolution I had to be freed from depression was to take myself out.
Naturally the idea of suicide came to mind because it was the quickest resolution. After crying out of fear, and hurting from the pain, I prayed. I just wanted to get out of this darkness and find peace. In prayer is when I became the most vulnerable. I didn’t have the fancy words or the scripture to call out during my time of release. In the mist of my prayer I felt comfort start to take over my body. I then started to feel the protection that I always wanted as an innocent child.
It later dawned on me that I was blocking out everything I’ve ever needed. When you allow people, places, or things to dictate your relationship with God, you fail. I allowed pain to stop me from being my best self because I got comfortable in what I didn’t want to be. I wasn’t open to learning anything other than what I knew. Until I couldn’t handle the pain anymore and felt the need to give it over to God.
I’m not here to force others to believe in my beliefs. What I do want others to know is the importance of believing in God. When you don’t have anything to look up to, you believe in people, places, or things. We all have experienced something in life that has caused us pain. The only difference is how we interpret or respond to our life situations. You can remain a victim or you can use your inner power to rise as a survivor.